Healthy Communication

Have you ever felt frustrated when talking with a friend or family member about an important matter and they don’t seem to be listening? Have you ever felt misunderstood when someone criticizes you? Can you remember a time when something you thought would be a simple conversation turns into a big fight instead? Some basic but important communication skills can help things go more smoothly.

What is communication?

“Communication” often means talking with other people, but it also refers to interactions like hand gestures or making “faces” (rolling eyes, frowning, smiling). Some types of communication help people relate to one another in positive and healthy ways, while other types can make people feel angry, upset, and hurt. Healthy communication is not always easy, but it can help you feel more satisfied and happy in your life.

Talking Skills

The ways we talk to one another can make a huge difference in how we feel. Just think of the last time someone complimented you on your cooking, your hospitality, or your child’s behavior. These simple comments can really brighten the day and make us feel good about ourselves. Now think of the last time someone called you a rude name, yelled at you, or refused to speak with you. These short moments can leave us feeling down, lonely, and worthless for a long time.

We can easily have a positive impact on other people by telling them what we appreciate about them, saying thank-you when others help us out, and by finding better communication tools to use when we are upset or angry. Some good tools to remember are:

• Take a break and come back to the conversation when you are calm.
• Talk about the problem, not the person. People can come together to solve problems, but when we attack people we end up on different sides.
• Use words like “I feel upset when . . .” or “It’s frustrating for me when . . .” to explain why you are unhappy.
• Set a time limit for the conversation. Most people find it difficult to talk for hours about a problem. If something has been a problem for a long time, you might need to plan several short conversations to work it out.

Listening Skills

Another important aspect of communication is listening. The ways we listen to one another can make a huge difference in how we offer support one or resolve conflicts. Can you remember a time when you felt really good, just because a friend listened to your story? Can you think of a time when someone didn’t listen so well and you felt disappointed? These experiences can either help us build support in life or leave us feeling unable to trust other people, leading to isolation.

When others are talking to you, the most important thing you can do is listen. You don’t have to solve everyone’s problems; often just being present to hear what a loved one has to say can be help enough. You can also kindly set limits by telling the other person how much time you have available. In this way, you can be supportive and also take care of your own responsibilities. If it seems like the person needs more help than you can give, you can suggest that they talk with a counselor or doctor to find the right assistance.

Start the New Year off right by reviewing your communication skills and the strategies you use to interact with family and friends. What are you doing well that helps build up the relationships in your life? What could be improved? Embrace what you are doing well, and consider taking some steps to adjust communication habits in areas that are not as satisfying. Practice new ways of expressing yourself that might lead to opportunities for connection rather than alienation in your relationships with loved ones. Turn toward your partner to listen to a concern, rather than turning away with defensiveness. Consider compromise that everyone can live with. Choose your battles, and find caring ways to express yourself even when conversations are difficult. Locate common ground and utilize shared goals as a foundation for connection as you ring in 2010.

A previous version of this article was published in The Voice.

Teens and the Winter Blues

Everyone experiences ups and downs from time to time, but some people are more affected during the winter when we have short, dark days. This is a perfect time to encourage your teen to get adequate rest, exercise regularly, eat healthy foods, and maintain a reasonable daily routine. All of these choices help to strengthen the immune system, making it more possible for our bodies to resist disease, manage stress, and maintain emotional as well as physical health. Parents can encourage healthy habits by role modeling them at home – not only will your teen be more likely to follow suit, you might feel better yourself after exercising, eating healthy meals as a family, limiting caffeine, and sharing in activities that everyone enjoys.

 Sometimes, despite our best efforts, our kids experience troubles anyway. As a parent you can help by spending time with your teen and showing you care. Keep communication lines open, even if you feel shut out. If your child has withdrawn from you, isolated from friends, lost interest in favorite activities, earned lower grades than usual, or recently experienced other significant changes (conflicts with peers, break-up with boyfriend/girlfriend), try talking with your child about what is going on. If this does not seem adequate or you remain concerned about your teen’s well being, seek out other resources for help. You may want to speak with your family physician, contact a counselor, or talk with teachers to find extra assistance for your teen during difficult times. Supportive peers and adults alike can help your teen overcome challenges and experience success, even in the dark days of winter.

Note: This article was previously published in the Wenatchee High School Parent Newsletter for December '09/January '10.

Preventing Holiday Stress

Autumn is here, and with it comes anticipation of the holiday season. Holidays often mean time with family and friends, expectations of gifts, and additional activities that can weigh down our already busy schedules. For many people, the holidays bring more stress than relaxation, and more disappointment than joy. Sound familiar???

This holiday season, you can take steps to prevent some of the difficulties you may have experienced during past holidays. For starters, decide what is important to you about the holidays and let that be your guide. If time with your children and extended family is important, there are many ways to create a meaningful holiday experience together that revolves around activities. This means changing the focus of the holidays from gift giving to other ways that love, care, and honoring of one another can be expressed. Sit down as a family and decide on a favorite activity or a new experience you can do together during the holiday season. If relaxation is important to you, create a new schedule in the house during school breaks that allows everyone some down time. Maybe this means that the kids help make dinner, clean up the living room, or rake leaves in the yard so you can read the newspaper or talk with a friend on the phone. Even chores can bring family members together, and the work goes more quickly when everyone helps.

Research shows that children really want and need four basic things during the holidays. These include relaxed and loving time with family, realistic expectations about gifts, an evenly paced holiday season, and strong family traditions. Decide what you can afford to spend on the holidays and discuss this with members of your household. It is important to help children create realistic holiday expectations about activities and gifts, rather than believe they will receive every toy or game they ask for. By working on this issue early in the holiday season, you can prevent hurt feelings and disappointment later. Some people find it helpful to sit down together and come up with ideas for family activities such as walks in the park, ice skating, or singing. Others choose to focus on creating family rituals such as decorating the home, telling or reading stories after dinner, making a special holiday treat from scratch, or playing group games.

Regardless of what you do this season, remember to pace yourself and your family. Get plenty of rest. Choose activities that you really want to do, and make time for them. Eat healthy food. Enjoy time with family and friends, and have a wonderful holiday!

 Some of the ideas presented in this article were extrapolated from Unplug the Christmas Machine: A Complete Guilde to Putting Love and Joy Back into the Season by Jo Robinson & Jean C. Staeheli (1991).

A previous version of this article was published in The Voice.

Welcome to the Confluence Family Therapy website and blog!

We are so glad you visited the site and hope it will assist you in finding useful resources both now and in the future.

We are currently accepting new referrals for therapy. If you are dealing with difficult circumstances, or know of a friend or loved one who could use the support of counseling, please consider calling for an appointment. Every effort will be made to provide quality, compassionate care that responds to your specific situation in effective and helpful ways.

In the coming weeks, more articles and information will be posted on a variety of topics related to children, couples, and families. If you have a topic in mind that you would like addressed, please contact us (see contact page for comment link) and we will do our best to accommodate the request in a future posting. While we cannot promise to post on every interest, we will do our best to provide resources on a wide range of topics utilizing available research and reflections.

Again, welcome! We look forward to hearing from you.